


Eric Cartman's Gay Agenda

by Nevermakemeblue



Category: South Park
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2019-05-27 23:43:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15035894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nevermakemeblue/pseuds/Nevermakemeblue
Summary: In which Cartman is pretending to be gay for the money and no one believes a word Kyle says.





	Eric Cartman's Gay Agenda

**Author's Note:**

> What do you get when you combine 2 hours of sleep, 6 espressos, a deep hatred for packing, and Le Petit Tourette?  
> Well… this.  
> I imagine the boys are about 13 in this. Just kids being kids.

Eric Cartman comes out to them very loudly and _very_ publicly. It’s just after the latest bullshit catastrophe to hit South Park. Something about President Garrison hoarding Canadian milk to the point that it sends all the cows in town into an almost Bacchic frenzy that has the townspeople once again murdering the milkman, burning down Dairy Queen and swearing off lactose altogether.

Kyle has just wrapped up his gay little speech on how milk is fine, people shouldn’t be so quick to buy into diet trends, and they definitely shouldn’t send _all_ of the cows to the slaughterhouse at once. He thinks his point was moderation, but he can’t be entirely sure because whatever it was is quickly overpowered by Cartman invading the platform to tell everyone what he has learned that day.

Cartman’s learned from the cows (maybe? Kyle didn’t actually listen to the first half of the speech) that repression was never good and would only drive him crazy. So, it’s there in front of the entire town that he announces that he’s gay. Gay and Proud™.

After that, Kyle goes home smelling like three-week-old tzatziki.

Cartman goes home with 300 dollars.

.

Things snowball from there because when don’t they in South Park? The next morning PC Principle 2.0, renovated for all their middle school needs, rounds everyone up in the sports hall for a special assembly dedicated to the bravery of one of their LGBT students, Eric Cartman.

Cartman’s sporting a new look when he steps out. His red jacket and hat abandoned, he now wears a black leather jacket and an obnoxiously loud rainbow flag scarf. Kyle thinks of the time he was chased down at a basketball game and forced into a serenading of the worst song ever.

If he wasn’t suspicious before, he definitely is after hearing a whole fucking hour of Eric Cartman describe his struggle with his inner gay demons.  

.

He asks his friends about it while they’re at Stan’s house playing x-box after school. Cartman couldn’t join. He has a meeting with the mayor who’s presenting him with a cheque for his brave contribution to the town. What a fucking joke. Watching his friends play, Kyle sits back on the couch, contemplating how to bring it up.

“There’s no way this is real right?” Stan and Kenny barely pause what they’re doing.

“Huh?” They say simultaneously, eyes still fixated on the screen and the screeching of race car tires from the speakers.

“Cartman.” Kyle continues. “There’s no way he’s actually gay right? This is another one of his tricks.” He finishes, the frown forming a deeper groove with each word. To his surprise, his friends actually laugh.

“What? No way.” Stan says with a shrug.

“Yeah, Cartman’s like _gay_ gay.” Kenny chimes in. “Like Rupaul fucked Elton John gay.” Beside him, Stan nods, carrying the thought without a second glance.

“Yeah. Like renewable energy gay.”

“Like Mr. Slaves' sex dungeon gay.”

“Like-“

“Yeah I got it.” Kyle snaps, shutting them both up. “But you’re wrong. He’s scamming everyone again.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Guy, I’m serious!”

Finally Stan throws him a glance.

“Dude, why do you care? It’s not like he’s hurting anyone.”

Stan’s right. In the long and arduous history of Eric Cartman’s ten million-dollar schemes, this one is actually fairly harmless. However, that doesn’t make it right, and it certainly doesn’t make it ok for Kyle to sit back and watch the very real hardships of the LGBT community be capitalised on by a fat, racist, _heterosexual,_ asshole like Cartman.

“Well, if we don’t stop him then who will?” Kyle insists, but still his friends aren’t swayed.

“There’s nothing to stop, man. He’s having his big coming out homo extravaganza. Everyone’ll humour him for a bit and then it’ll be back to your regular scheduled Eric Cartman shithead extraordinaire. Trust me, the whole thing’ll blow over in no time.” Stan assures him, still with the disaffection of a stranger. Kenny isn’t much better when he quips:

“Yeah. Only this time that shithead extraordinaire is out and proud and catching trade on grindr.”

“You guys are no fucking help at all.” Kyle snaps. All he gets in reply is chortling laughter and more stupid jokes.  

.

Kyle would let it go. Well, he would at least try. It’s just that Cartman makes it so damn hard to do.

It takes a trip to Whole Foods to tip Kyle over the edge. While his mother indulges in the moral circle jerk that is that damn supermarket, Kyle pretends he’s got better things to do by wandering through the art stalls outside. What started as endless works of Tweek and Craig had tapered into other subjects over the years. This time, Kyle is horrified to see that yaoi is back in style and strong as ever. Worse yet, they have a new muse.

Cartman looks thinner, buffer and way better looking than he ever has in real life, but it’s him alright, stripped and refurbished into a new and improved, palatable playboy. Overwhelmingly he has one partner.

“What the hell is this?” Kyle demands, stalking up to one of the stalls. He looks phenomenal, that’s for sure. His hair has never looked so effortlessly tousled. He has certainly never looked so… twinkish. But why the hell is Cartman’s hand down his pants? Why the hell is he blushing like a virgin bride?

The artist in question is a Korean girl from the year below him. She barely stirs when Kyle hisses at her, only briefly glancing away from where she’s handing another work of him and Cartman cuddling by Starks Pond to Mr. Mackey. Kyle sends him a withering look, and the councilor scuttles away before the situation gets any worse.

“Oh, hey Kyle.”

“’Hey’ my ass. What the hell are you drawing pictures of me for?” He snaps, pointing in wild outrage at the gallery behind her.

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“Cartman’s the one who came out. Not me.” He bulldozes on. “Not that I need to come out or anything...I’m just…” Kyle shuts up. They’re already getting more attention than he would like. He needs to get the hell out of there before he digs himself in even deeper. The girl still isn’t bothered, staring at him evenly in a way that has become all to familiar recently.

“Everyone knows why he came out Kyle. You should really let him be himself.”

Kyle loses his temper.

“He’s just trying to make money. He’s not gay!”

Indifferent, she turns away from him.

“Sure, he is.”

With a furious growl, Kyle stomps away.    

He forms a plan that very night.

.

Kyle approaches Tweek and Craig at lunch.

“You need our help?” Craig echoes flatly, clearly loving the idea. Kyle only nods. Across from him Tweek, jerks nervously at the idea.

“W-what the hell for?”

 “Cartman.” He says.

“Oh.” They reply immediately.

“Isn’t he pissing you off?”

They both shrug.

“No more than usual.”

“But he’s extorting you. And he’s being a smug, reductive asshole about it too.”

Tweek and Craig exchange a glance. Kyle can see the mental discussion going on there. One that Craig almost instantly loses.

“But Kyle, Cartman _is_ gay.” He says, and why do people keep saying that? Kyle thinks of the time he caused a televised mass pedo-suicide just because Cartman was faking Tourette’s.

“No, he’s faking.”

“No, dude, Cartman is like really gay.” Tweek replies and it’s been a while since Kyle has heard him that sure of anything.

“Yeah, he’s like Paris is Burning gay.” Craig remarks between bites. Tweek nods.

“L-Like pretending to care about f-fashion to appease your straight female friends gay.”

“Like crushing on your straight friend and being conflicted about whether that makes you gay stereotype and worrying about the level of internalised homophobia in the queer community gay.”

“Like not being able to talk to your parents a-about l-love without them asking you about rim-“

“I _got_ it.” Kyle cuts in. What the hell was happening? “Fucking hell, he’s got everyone fooled.”

Craig and Tweek go quiet for a moment. This time, Tweek speaks first.

“Actually, I think he’s only got one of us fooled.”

…

Whatever _that_ means. Kyle chooses not to dwell on it.

.

Unfortunately, with Tweek and Craig out of the picture, and his friends being about as supportive as a wireless bralette, Kyle is left to do what he really should have done all along: kick Cartman’s ass.

He storms Cartman’s house after school, crashing through the front door and up his stairs.

“You’re going to stop this shit right now Cartman!” Kyle yells, throwing open the door and barely stepping aside before it ricochets shut behind him.

“Ah Kyle. Welcome.” Cartman doesn’t look surprised to see him. He might even have been expecting Kyle as he stares wistfully out of his window, sloshing a tumbler of apple juice around in his hand.

“Cut the shit asswipe, I know what you’re up to.”

He’s wearing that stupid robe again, looking like the master of the fucking universe. Where does Cartman keep that matching drink and robe set that he can roll it out whenever he wants to rub something in Kyle’s face?

“Pray tell Kyle, what am I up to?”

“This,” he gestures wildly around himself at nothing in particular. “Stop pretending you’re gay to get people’s money.”

Unsurprisingly, Cartman doesn’t look ashamed nor does he bother denying anything.

“It’s pretty sweet isn’t it?” He says, sipping his juice with a satisfied smack of his lips. “I barely had to do anything at all. All I did was make one of your gay little speeches and I’ve made $800 this week already. I’ll be a ten-millionaire in no time.” God, he’s such a fucking moron.

“It’s not ‘ _sweet’._ It’s an insult to people who are actually struggling with their sexuality.”

“And how would you know that Kyle?”

“Because I’m not a sociopath like you.”

Cartman just hums as if he’s actually considering anything Kyle has to say.

“You see Kyle, for someone so removed from the situation you are taking it quite personally. Isn’t it true that I’m not hurting anyone? Why, I’ve even left the Jews alone this time.” He says as if he actually deserves a damn trophy. Kyle is growling again.

“Oh sure, thank you so much, you benevolent fuckface.” He snaps, but it only makes Cartman chuckle.

“The truth is _you’re_ actually gay. Isn’t that right Kyle?”

Whatever Kyle had been expecting next, it wasn’t that.

“What.” Not a question. Just a perfectly reasonable response to Cartman’s idiocy. Of course, that’s the only way he can think someone would be upset about this.

“No one believes you, do they? You’ve been trying to tell all these people but I’m just too gay. Face it Kyle, you’ve lost. My plan is perfect.” He sounded so pleased with himself. It was like watching his dad sniff his farts all over again.

With a strangled snarl, Kyle advances, knocking the tumbler out of Cartman’s hand. He wrenches at the gown until he’s right in Cartman’s face, growling like a feral animal.

“You’re not gonna get away with this fatass.”

Cartman doesn’t looks the least bit perturbed. Everything is going his way.

“Ah well. It seems the game is on Jew boy.” He preens. Kyle shoves him aside so he stumbles into his desk. Kyle storms out the door.

.

He knows he’s a broken record. He realises that he has been bitching incessantly about Cartman for at least twenty minutes now, and honestly that’s longer than anyone should ever have to think about him. But if Kyle doesn’t get this out he might explode. Besides, if anyone is used to Cartman’s bullshit, it’s Kenny and Butters.

Kenny swears when the ball bounces off the rim and skips across to the other end of the court. He looks to Kyle, not in anger but the blame is definitely there. As if he didn’t just miss because the only technique Kenny has with balls is tea-bagging.

He doesn’t go after it, leaving Butter’s to scurry up the court to get it. Instead he walks to Kyle, scratching his head in exasperation.

“Ugh fine. Do you really want to stop him?” He asks, and it makes Kyle jump out of his reverie. Kenny had been sitting on the solution this whole damn time?

“Yes, dude!”

Kenny gives him a once over and Kyle tries to ignore his steadily growing amusement.

“Ok, I’ll tell you what to do, but you have to shut up about it afterwards. Deal?” He says, reaching out his hand. Kyle clasps it in agreement.

“Uh-huh deal.”

“Fine.” Kenny grins, tightening around Kyle’s hand he pulls him in, whispering something in his ear.

At first Kyle thinks he’s misheard him, but the words are exactly the same the second time. Kyle backs away instantly, blushing violently.

“Are you insane?” He yells and even Butters on the other end of the court turns his way. “No! No way!”

Kenny just shrugs. That smirk is still splitting his lips.

“Trust me dude, it’ll work.” He says, catching the ball when it’s thrown his way. “Now fuck off. I’ve got a game to win.”

Kyle grumbles at the dismissal. Before he leaves, he snatches the ball from Kenny’s grasp, shooting a jump shot.

He walks away to the slip of the ball through the net and the sound of Kenny cussing him out.

.

Kyle decides to ignore Kenny and by extension any and all ridiculous suggestions he has to offer. He doesn’t care how close Kenny and Cartman might theoretically be. He isn’t the problem solver of the group, and it’s no wonder if he comes up with crazy ideas like that.

Unfortunately, Kyle is quickly running out of alternatives and Cartman is quickly stacking cheques. So, he needs to blow this shit wide open before he ends up killing him. Probably with an ice pick to the head not that he’s thought about it.

He is just mulling this over with likely too much enthusiasm when he spots Cartman ahead of him in the hallway. He’s hard to miss with that stupid scarf. The whole look is stupid. It doesn't matter that Kyle has always disliked him less without his hat on even though it pretty much always meant he was up to something.

God, the entire ruse is staring them in the face and still no one is catching on. It’s maddening.

“Hey Fatass!” Cartman stops walking and turns to him.

He looks wary. Good.

“Kyle.” He replies with a little nod of his head.

“What the hell are you up to now?”

“I’m going to class dude. What does it look like?”

Cartman really thinks he’s so stupid. Scowling, Kyle points at the paper in his hand.

“What’s that?”

Cartman looks down as if he’s only just noticed it.

“Oh, it’s an application.”

“For what?”

“For the school to have an LBGT history month.”

…

“What.”

Cartman starts huffing and puffing the way he always does when he’s one hundred percent guilty.

“It’s important that we educate ourselves. People need to know there’s more to history than the white man.” He rants, getting louder with every word and he’s definitely doing it on purpose. “Honestly Kyle. I never knew you were so homophobic.”

People are starting to look at them now. This is ridiculous.

“I’m not homophobic.” Kyle snaps. “I’m all for a queer history month. I don’t believe for a second that you are.”

“Really? Because you’re being kind of a dick to me. I don’t think PC Principle would be too happy to hear that you’re discriminating against a gay student. You know I worked hard to get where I am. You wouldn’t understand because you’re a Jew and as we all know Jews can’t be pirates or understand the struggle of the ga…” And he just keeps prattling on the way he always does and it’s all bullshit and Kyle just really doesn’t feel like listening anymore. So, he makes it stop. Just as Kenny told him he could.

Grabbing Cartman by the knot in his scarf, he tugs him forward until he stumbles into Kyle’s space. Kyle gives himself no time to second-guess it. Letting the ends of the scarf slip through his fingers he presses a firm kiss to Cartman’s lips. It's not soft or romantic. The kiss is a challenge.

Cartman’s surprised squeal is muffled by Kyle's lips. It is all the reaction Kyle gets from him at first. Until finally Cartman’s brain catches up with him. He shoves him away.

“W-What the hell was that?” Kyle doesn’t know what to reply. He has no idea what he was thinking. Cartman is beet red and shaking all over. Any and all bravado has drained away entirely. All that’s left is his quivering lip and the hopeful disbelief in his eyes. “Y-you can’t just kiss me. I-I don’t what you’re up to but just because I like you doesn’t mean you can just do what you like.”

Kyle just stares. He’d only caught one part of that.

“You like me?”

The panic doubles. Cartman’s already backing away from him, mouthing off the entire time.

“Like you?! More like hate you, you goddamn hippy. Jesus, Kyle you never listen.” He laughs, but it just comes out hysterical. “Yo-you’re just lucky that I’m feeling nice today. I’m not gonna report you.” He laughs brashly. Cartman’s halfway down the corridor now, yelling at full volume. Kyle suddenly feels dizzy. The whole thing feels like a fever dream. Stan is stood beside him. He doesn’t know when that happened. He isn’t entirely sure how much time has passed at all.

Cartman has just rounded the corner when he doubles back, glaring at Kyle with everything he has in him, he shouts one final time.

“I SERIOUSLY HATE YOU KYLE!”

Then he’s gone.

Kyle stares at the empty space before him in stunned silence. He feels like his whole world is coming apart. Slowly he turns to Stan. His friend doesn’t say anything, bouncing his eyes around Kyle’s face to gauge his reaction.

“I thought… I thought he’d admit he was faking.” Kyle says, hands flying wildly between them. He doesn’t know what to do. For once in his life, he’s genuinely speechless. Finally, it dawns on him. “Holy shit. Cartman’s gay.”

Stan sighs so deeply it’s like a piece of his soul leaves his body.

 “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you dude.”


End file.
